Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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