He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My bed smells like the plague
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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