we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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