Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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