Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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