why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
