My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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