saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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