so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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