i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
