i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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