Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
