Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
