It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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