1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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