i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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