Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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