Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Found the puke drawer
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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