now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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