I can tuck mytits in my pants
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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