hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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