In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
