At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
