They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
