It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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