I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
