I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
