Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
