I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
