Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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