She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
