Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
