Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
