He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
