His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
