do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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