And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
