don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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