Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
