I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
