God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
