He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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