My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
