I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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