if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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