guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
