I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
