you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
third nipple confirmed
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
