just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My nipple is on Facebook.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
