I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Randomize
