I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
